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The Incident

Posted on November 28, 2011 by goo goo dadda

It’s been awhile since I posted here. More on that in another post entitled ‘Summer Happened’. It’s been a nice hiatus but now it’s good to be back writing…

It happened on a Monday. During P.E.

The “Incident”.

Up to now, in her brief 6 years on this planet, Maddie has cruised through life incident-free. Many minor “accidents” – a bruised elbow here, a bumped head there, but no real scary “oh my god” moments. We have been lucky.

And yes, many “mis-communications” – mostly with her parents. Frustrating times, these. Her little face will turn red and her feet will stomp all the way to her room, a loud slam as her door shakes in its frame.

Moments of sadness as well, tears welling up in her big, beautiful, brown eyes.

But none of this quite prepared me for what was about to happen.

Upon entering 1st grade Maddie quickly made a friend. They became best friends. They did everything together. Maddie followed her around like a puppy. Since she is one of the youngest in her class, she tends to defer to her older peers. She let her best friend take the driver’s seat in their adventures. Maddie was happy just to tag along. Soon, a playdate was set up. We met her parents and we all clicked. Everything was progressing swimmingly.

And then it happened.

The “Incident”.

Maddie and her friend were in line participating in a P.E. exercise. Maddie’s friend turned and told her that she smelled and that she should go to the back of the line. Maddie complied, and crumpled inside.

That night during bath time Maddie mentioned what had happened to me. It had taken her by surprise. I could tell she wasn’t sure what to feel. And I wasn’t sure what to feel, either.

Initially, I didn’t realize what a huge, traumatic event in Maddie’s life this really was. I thought, ‘Hmmm, P.E., they don’t really sweat much in 1st grade, do they? How could she smell? Something she ate?’ I failed to grasp the emotional impact.

Then, later that week, during our parent-teacher conference, it came up again. Maddie’s teacher had noticed a change in their relationship and she was sad. She thought it was wonderful that Maddie had confided in me and felt it was a testament to the strength of our bond, our father-daughter connection. I felt two very powerful emotions:

1. PRIDE – I was so elated that Maddie had shared her experience with me. There I was, on the bow of the Titanic, tears in my eyes, screaming, “I”M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!” This was the moment I had been waiting for, the moment that I had worked for these past 6 years, the whole reason I had become a stay-at-home dad in the first place.

2. ANGER – After the shock subsided, I was mad. I wanted to grab Maddie’s little “friend” by the shoulders and shake her: “What the hell is wrong with you, you…bully??!! Do you see what you did to my daughter?!!”

It became an awkward moment for me, every day before and after school, having to face the mother of the “bully”. She is the nicest mom in the world, a wonderful parent, and yet a small part of me was blaming her for what happened to Maddie.

We never found out what exactly happened. We put our collective parenting minds together and tossed around some theories. Maddie’s friend has an older sister…maybe she was transferring some anger or frustration…we don’t know.

Maddie is doing fine now and has made a new friend. All has been forgiven.

We eagerly await with trepidation the next “Incident”.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, Life goes on, yeah

La La, how the life goes on…

Filed under: Engaged, Family, First Grade, Parenting, School | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Baa Baa Black Sheep

Posted on February 9, 2011 by goo goo dadda

Unbeknownst to her, my sister has played an ENORMOUS part in the raising of our daughters. Even though my younger sibling lives a mere two states away, she is here, every day, almost every hour, in the parenting choices I make for Maddie. Or, in this case, the parenting choices I DON’T MAKE.

Now I love my sister, don’t get me wrong. And if she reads this then feelings will probably be hurt. But I have to be honest here, to her and, most importantly, to myself, because it affects how I raise my daughters.

There was a time, growing up, when I was super close to my sister. We were best of friends. Then along came high school and we went our separate ways. Looking back, it’s surprising we were so close for so long, because our personalities are essentially at polar opposites. She is a social butterfly, friendly, open, expressing any and every emotion. I am more quiet and cautious. If she were a raging firestorm, I would be a calm lake.

And so I became a straight-A student and a member of the marching band (read: geek), while she started to smoke and hang out at the 7-11 across the street (read: party girl). And our lives would continue this way, more or less, for the next 20 years. Now we are both married with children.

My sister was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We’re not sure when it developed, but it may explain her past behavior. My grandmother may have had it, too. It can be hereditary. For awhile, I have been thinking about all of this whenever I look at my own daughters. Is this their fate as well?

Every family has their black sheep. In mine, it’s my sister. She has become the “identified patient“. We all have our issues – we just like to focus on HERS (maybe because she’s the “baby” of the family). She has tried counseling and support groups, but nothing seems to stick. Everyone in my family has put a lot of time and effort into trying to help. I have to be careful, because I can become so involved that I will use all of my energy trying to solve this gordian knot, leaving nothing for my own family. Because of this, I have called my sister less often. We have become somewhat estranged.

And so, for a time, whenever Maddie would show the slightest hint of a behavior that reminded me of my sister, I would flinch in fear. I would panic. I would curse the gods for their cruel taunting.

We all have our own destinies, our paths to walk. I try not to compare my sister’s life with my own and simply accept it for what it is, neither good nor bad. I try not to judge. Maddie has her own path as well, and as I gain more confidence as a parent, I am learning to trust her, and hope she trusts me. Together we can overcome any difficulties in life. If we are truly engaged and aware, what more can one ask?

My sister celebrated her birthday recently. I called and wished her well. I asked her to promise me she would think of this day whenever she felt down, and to know that there are people in this world who care for her a great deal. And then I played with Maddie, laughing easily, hopeful of what the future may bring.

Filed under: Bipolar Disorder, Black Sheep, Engaged, Family, Parenting | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

The Fly

Posted on November 13, 2010 by goo goo dadda

“I’m an insect who dreamt he was a man and loved it. But now the dream is over… and the insect is awake.”

I have a vague notion of what it was like before I married and had a family. But it’s blurry, and seems like so long ago. As in the 1986 version of The Fly, I have changed. Not into a fly, per se, although I do wonder about this sometimes when I see Juliet’s saliva dissolving just about everything it touches. We also communicate in clicks and clacks, and, come to think of it, she does have googly eyes.

But no, the change I talk about is much more subtle and not as physically dramatic. As I mention in another post, it’s as if I have stepped through a portal. There is the me before fatherhood, and the me now. This major shift in my psyche includes a loss of my sense of self. My identity is no longer defined by who I am, but who WE are, WE being my myself, my wife, and my two daughters. The family unit. We move as one, like some fantastic amoeba oozing its’ way across the great petri dish of life. Our movements are coordinated, our actions, even our thoughts, seem somehow connected, like some synchronous hive mind.

I should have seen this coming when I fell in love. For the first time in my life I felt a true sense of selflessness. It wasn’t just about me anymore, it was about us. We became “a couple”. We COMPROMISED.

And now, what affects one of us in the family affects us ALL. We huddle closely together for warmth, and sing in harmony. We are stretched when we separate. My mood can be directly linked  to my family at any given moment. It is something sacred and silly at the same time. We are the world.

This is a powerful feeling. I am no longer alone in life. I feel safe, secure, and confident, because I know, wherever I go, that I have a family to return to. I am part of a small community, part of something larger than myself.

At times I have wanted to run away from my family, my village, to shed the collective, like the theme from countless movies. I yearn for breathing room, to be alone for awhile, free and unencumbered. It is at these moments when I suddenly feel so naked and scared, as if I have just taken off a large, heavy wool coat in the middle of a snowy New York winter. Once cozy, warm, and ensconced, I am now independent and wild, and I scramble to remember how to act. I feel rusty and awkward. It is not the same feeling as before, back before family, when I was single. I wonder how I ever did it, how did I operate in the world all alone.

I have learned to cherish those brief, quiet moments, but more and more, nothing can compare to the joy and freedom I feel when I am with my family.

Filed under: Engaged, Fly, Parenting, SAHD | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Happy Father’s Day

Posted on June 21, 2010 by goo goo dadda

To all the father’s of the world, past, present, and future: HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!!

And to my very own dad: Thank you for being such a good friend and positive influence. You constantly inspire me and make me proud to be your son.

Now, take a look at this…

Evolution of Dad – Introduction from Evolution of Dad on Vimeo.

Filed under: Engaged, Evolution, Father's Day, Parenting | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

The Spelling Bee

Posted on May 29, 2010 by goo goo dadda

I usually tell Maddie a story at bath time.

I ask her who she wants the main character to be and she picks out one of her bath toys. For a while we were re-enacting Dora the Explorer episodes.

Tonight was a little different. She wanted me to talk about when I was a boy and how I won the spelling bee. This never happened in real life, but Maddie thought it would make a good story.

And so I began to weave the tale of how I found myself in the finals of the State Spelling Bee. I asked Maddie what she thought the first word should be.”key”, she replied. OK, so we spelled it out on the side of the bathtub using her foam letters.

I had made it to the next round! “What should the word be this time, Maddie?” “cake” ok, cake. Again, we spelled it out.

Two more rounds to go! The words are getting harder! “What’s next?”

“emotion” Maddie responded. OK, I repeated, “emotion”.

Huh? And right there and then I did an actual DOUBLE TAKE.

I asked her to say it again, just to be sure. “emotion” she said, slowly trying to sound it out.

Wow, ok, emotion. We spelled it out, using the “q” as the second “o”.

I had made it to the final round. The word was “shame”, which we again spelled out on the side of the tub.

I should have been impressed with that last word as well, but  to be honest, I was still a little stunned from that sudden jump: “cake” to “emotion”. Not something I expected to hear from a preschooler, that’s all.

It is small moments like these, so pure, so utterly random and surprising, so astounding, that make parenting such a joy.

Filed under: Engaged, Parenting, spelling | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Irony

Posted on May 18, 2010 by goo goo dadda

Maddie: Come on, dad, let’s play!

Me: Not now, Maddie, I’m working on my blog.

[rim shot]

Normally I’m a huge fan of irony*.

But not in this case.

I pride myself on being an engaged parent. But, to be honest, it’s been tough lately. Mainly because we have a 5-month old baby, Juliet, in the house now, and I’m also in job-search mode. So, this all equals less time for one very needy 4 1/2 year old, Madeleine Sue, who has been given all the time in the world up to now. Big changes are afoot, and we are all feeling the growing pains.

Admittedly, we have been extremely lucky. We have been able to live off the income of one parent while the other stays home, mostly, to raise our daughter. We have had family support, financially, emotionally, and physically. We have attended regular family counseling sessions. How anyone can live in the Bay Area without some from of support is beyond me.

But now I’m feeling some of the pressure that so many families feel…I need to find a job. Hence my stress and my quick replies to my daughter lately.

I have enjoyed the past 4 1/2 years tremendously. Now, this chapter in our lives is ending. It’s scary, and hard to let go, but I am excited about the future.

It’s important, now more than ever, to be aware of all those small moments in the day when my daughter seeks connection. She must know that I will still be there for her. To be her dad is, after all, the best job in the world.

*to help those of us who are irony-impaired, let me elaborate. Picture a dad working on his blog, who’s sole purpose it is to celebrate fatherhood with amusing and touching stories of engaging with your children, then mumbling something a la W.C.Fields -  “Get out of here, kid, you’re botherin’ me” – to his daughter, who is gently tugging on his shirt, like some poor little orphan girl. Now THAT’S irony, folks!

Filed under: Blog, Engaged, Irony, Parenting, SAHD | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Get Your Head In The Game!

Posted on April 11, 2010 by goo goo dadda

Another dad shouted these words out at Maddie’s soccer class last weekend.

“Come on, you need to get your head in the game!”

I looked over at who he was yelling at, his daughter, who was coming off the field in tears. She was probably 4, the same age as Maddie.

‘Really?’ I thought. ‘You have GOT to be kidding me?!’

Maybe he was just being funny. I glanced over again. Nope, we has serious. He was berating his 4-year old for not having what it takes.

Maddie had to go pee so I walked with her to the bathroom, still dazed.

We passed by other fields where groups of moms and dads could be heard screaming encouragement at their sons and daughters. We come here every Saturday, to a giant warehouse  housing several indoor soccer fields. A factory churning out little athletes, fueled by the hopes and dreams of their parents.

Part of me could relate – the part that wants desperately to be out there on the field. Soccer has always been my game. When we introduced it to Maddie I was eager to share my skills and knowledge with her. Sometimes my enthusiasm overwhelms her, and I have to constantly remind myself that this is HER life. I want her to explore and discover on her own, and guide her in as light a manner as possible. It scares me, the power we have as parents. I am constantly evaluating what influence I have on my daughter, both positive and negative.

We return to our field and Maddie runs out to her class, which is 45 minutes long. That’s 30 minutes too long, in her book. She can dribble and pass and shoot with the best of them. But then she gets tired. I don’t push her. Like I said, she’s only 4. She’s really just here for the ice cream (shhhh…don’t tell anyone!)

I sit down next to the other parents who are sitting along benches, peering through the safety glass at their children. There is a twitchiness in the air. For most of us it is a new feeling, watching our kids from afar. Up to now it has been a shared experience, parent and child doing something together. I can see their pride in their faces. And I know they all feel the same thing I do, an empty uneasiness and distant fear, as our children practice independence out there on the field. All we can do is watch. And shout things, like “Get your head in the game!”

I suppose, as a parent, you get better at this too, with practice. Letting go, yet needing them to return.

And as children, growing, looking over for help less and less often.

Just knowing that someone is there, watching from behind the glass or on the sidelines, cheering you on, becomes enough.

Filed under: Engaged, Parenting, Soccer, Sports | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Through The Looking Glass: Part III

Posted on November 10, 2009 by goo goo dadda

alice_through_the_looking_glassI would jump in front of a speeding car to save my daughter’s life. I say this with no hesitation and with a really powerful conviction which surprises, and, frankly, scares the hell out of me. Where does this feeling come from? I experienced it from day one with Maddie, when I hardly knew her. To think, I would sacrifice my own life for that of a tiny little  stranger.

I knew when our daughter was born that I would be taking care of her a lot. I prepared as much as I could. I read all the books I could find, talked to other parents. I knew this would be a huge responsibility. This small creature would be completely dependent on me, for food, for shelter, for warmth, for moving about. Her life was, literally, in my hands.

What I didn’t consider, and what I slowly came to realize, was that MY LIFE was in HER hands as well. This was a two way street. While I was busy nurturing this baby and helping her develop into a little girl, she was doing the same for me, helping me evolve into the father I am today.  She has taught me patience, empathy, and honesty. My intentions have become much clearer, my resolve much stronger, my energy more focused. She keeps me grounded and present. She has helped define me as a person and shown me what I care for most deeply in life.

We are connected on so many different levels and we affect each others behavior. My view of the world has changed.

This is what has surprised and delighted me the most about becoming a parent.

And to think, she’s accomplished all this and she’s only 4…

Filed under: Baby, Engaged, Evolution, Parenting, SAHD | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Through The Looking Glass: Part II

Posted on August 28, 2009 by goo goo dadda

So I’ve stepped through the portal. I’ve been a parent now for 3 1/2 years, and I’m still alive to tell the tale.

It really doesn’t seem like that long ago. But then I blinked. And now, here we are, about to have another baby girl (Juliet: due 12/1).

When I became a parent, I changed.  Literally. Like Bruce Banner transforming into The Incredible Hulk. Only I didn’t grow into a green and bulky monster (which was my first wish). No, I have morphed into a mild mannered and caring father with amazing new parenting superpowers, like EMPATHY and PATIENCE. I have learned the art of just BEING THERE for my daughter, simply bearing witness to her struggles. It has been a difficult and painful journey of evolutionary change and  has stretched my emotional range beyond my imagination. As a parent I have felt SO sad at times, so frustrated, so dejected. I have also felt SO happy, so joyful and content.An Incredible Dad

When I first heard our baby girl cry I thought, “Awww, how cute.” followed closely by “OK, I’m out of here!” I could not take it. It was torture to be in the same room. I wanted to run as far away as possible. But as a stay-at-home dad, I did not have the luxury of just handing her back to mom. Mom was at work. My daughter needed me.

The crying no longer bothers me. I let it all flow over me while I remain present for her. I tell her everything will be ok, that I’m sorry she feels the way she does. I no longer scramble to make things “better” for her or try a quick fix by offering her a treat. We simply share the moment. And I wait. Because I know this too shall pass. Until the next time.

And now I wonder what new super powers await as I become a parent of two…

Filed under: Engaged, Evolution, Parenting, SAHD | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

What Am I, Chopped Liver?

Posted on August 16, 2009 by goo goo dadda

spamIt hurts.

I’ve faced many obstacles as a new dad, and I have triumphed over all of them.

I have evolved from a clumsy, bumbling, cro-magnon man who flinched at the slightest baby cry, to a warm, empathetic, and caring father who is now there for his daughter, rain or shine.

We have spent thousands of hours together in the past 3 1/2 years, just her and I, exploring parks and museums and libraries, hiking in the wilderness, shopping at Safeway, Target, IKEA, the mall, participating in swimming, soccer, music, dance, and gymnastics classes, relaxing on the beach, riding BART and the ferry, feeding the pigeons, spending time together at preschool.

I know her better than any other human being on this planet. Our bond is unshakable. We are tight.

And yet, if given the choice, she will choose her mommy over me. When we go somewhere as a family, Maddie and mom are suddenly the best of buds and I feel like the odd man out, quite literally. After all those hours I’ve spent gaining her trust, I am casually cast aside like an empty beer can, or a half-empty tin of SPAM. I feel used. When I’m tired, this can be SO frustrating. I have a hard time letting go, and soon I find myself competing for my daughter’s attention. I become madly possessive and jealous.

I understand this now. I didn’t always.

Having been a stay-at-home dad for 3 1/2 years now, I am confident enough in my role as primary caregiver to appreciate the sacrifices mothers make for their children, in mind, body and spirit. It’s a wonderful thing to have, this feeling of autonomy as a parent, knowing that you can handle it on your own, but also knowing when to ask for help.

I love my mom more than anyone in the world. It’s only natural. So why shouldn’t Maddie?

It’s ok, honey. I’ll always be here if you need me. Now pass the SPAM, will ya’?

love,

dad

Filed under: Engaged | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

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